The past 6 months have been inevitably leading towards this point, the point where I became incredulous in my impromptu ‘ledge’ year and attempted to recapture the glorious taboo filled thoughts of times gone by. Unfortunately the majority of my inspirations have somewhat disappointed recently;
For starters The Colonel [1] died, that was a very depressing time. Another favourite Silvio pushed the playboy/prime minister tag to the limit and eventually resigned. I’m really not certain about Facebook favourite Joseph Kony either, if he didn’t make the news without the help of Invisible children Inc. then he’s really not worth the praise! Plus his blatant perjury of Stalin’s cult persona and poor attempt’s to be a modern day Pied Piper are just not doing it for me, in the small media market of Central Africa the guy is going to have to step up his game for continued exposure.
With regards to cults, I’m seriously considering joining one. With non-believing (atheist and agnostic) levels approaching 50% in the UK my religious views are becoming pretty mainstream. The only options are to become religious or join a cult. I don’t really like religions, their founding stories are mundane and few are likely to be turned into blockbuster movies, though they do have mass sequel potential, perhaps a budget BBC3 series would do. Don’t get me wrong The Apostles and that fat guy are among the most celebrated fictional authors of all time, but they pale in comparison to L.Ron Hubbard. [2]
To be honest I’m quite happy to pay the quoted amounts to join Scientology, I’ve definitely forgotten my true nature, still a bit unsure about the immortal part but I guess I can always test that out. See people don’t tend to judge you for being in a cult, they just give you the sympathy vote and I know a certain sector in society tend to do quite well by that, they even get their own car parking spaces.
Recently I decided to try and get Body Integrity Identity Disorder [3]. Forcing a disorder upon yourself is surprisingly difficult, especially when I’m quite fond of the four limbed look. It just so happened that I held onto my crutches and now go for frequent shopping trips to get my sympathy fix, a less extreme option but edgy nonetheless.
I feel a bit guilty for profiting from such a disastrous private entity as the NHS but I’m sure they can manage without one set of crutches. Well they aren’t quite private yet, but that dastardly Tory government has set their stall out and it’s really only a matter of time.
I call them dastardly but it’s quite clever really, in a way it’s basically just reintroducing natural selection. Poor people can’t pay for health insurance and soon die off, leading to a population of healthy-wealthy people. Evolution could really do with a jump start and David Cameron is well on his way to doing just that. It could also be a long term solution to deal with the exponential increase of the global population, easier than faking stillbirths anyway, China please take note.
In the words of my namesake, fuck Bill O’Reilly!!!!
PS: Anyone that wants to donate to my trip to Mali please pm me, think I might take a stab at their presidential election.
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_Gaddafi
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L._Ron_Hubbard
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_integrity_identity_disorder
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