The Colonel, BIID and Natural Selection

15th April 2012

The past 6 months have been inevitably leading towards this point, the point where I became incredulous in my impromptu ‘ledge’ year and attempted to recapture the glorious taboo filled thoughts of times gone by. Unfortunately the majority of my inspirations have somewhat disappointed recently;

For starters The Colonel [1] died, that was a very depressing time. Another favourite Silvio pushed the playboy/prime minister tag to the limit and eventually resigned.  I’m really not certain about Facebook favourite Joseph Kony either, if he didn’t make the news without the help of Invisible children Inc. then he’s really not worth the praise! Plus his blatant perjury of Stalin’s cult persona and poor attempt’s to be a modern day Pied Piper are just not doing it for me, in the small media market of Central Africa the guy is going to have to step up his game for continued exposure.

With regards to cults, I’m seriously considering joining one. With non-believing (atheist and agnostic) levels approaching 50% in the UK my religious views are becoming pretty mainstream. The only options are to become religious or join a cult. I don’t really like religions, their founding stories are mundane and few are likely to be turned into blockbuster movies, though they do have mass sequel potential, perhaps a budget BBC3 series would do. Don’t get me wrong The Apostles and that fat guy are among the most celebrated fictional authors of all time, but they pale in comparison to L.Ron Hubbard. [2]

To be honest I’m quite happy to pay the quoted amounts to join Scientology, I’ve definitely forgotten my true nature, still a bit unsure about the immortal part but I guess I can always test that out. See people don’t tend to judge you for being in a cult, they just give you the sympathy vote and I know a certain sector in society tend to do quite well by that, they even get their own car parking spaces.

Recently I decided to try and get Body Integrity Identity Disorder [3]. Forcing a disorder upon yourself is surprisingly difficult, especially when I’m quite fond of the four limbed look.  It just so happened that I held onto my crutches and now go for frequent shopping trips to get my sympathy fix, a less extreme option but edgy nonetheless.

I feel a bit guilty for profiting from such a disastrous private entity as the NHS but I’m sure they can manage without one set of crutches. Well they aren’t quite private yet, but that dastardly Tory government has set their stall out and it’s really only a matter of time.

I call them dastardly but it’s quite clever really, in a way it’s basically just reintroducing natural selection. Poor people can’t pay for health insurance and soon die off, leading to a population of healthy-wealthy people. Evolution could really do with a jump start and David Cameron is well on his way to doing just that. It could also be a long term solution to deal with the exponential increase of the global population, easier than faking stillbirths anyway, China please take note.

In the words of my namesake, fuck Bill O’Reilly!!!!

PS: Anyone that wants to donate to my trip to Mali please pm me, think I might take a stab at their presidential election.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_Gaddafi
2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L._Ron_Hubbard
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_integrity_identity_disorder

The Murdoch's, Star Wars and The Shaving Cream Delinquent

30th July 2011

The Murdoch’s, Star Wars and The Shaving Cream Delinquent

If I’m going to be honest I am actually a massive fan of News International. Partly because of its monopoly status but also due to the supposed influence it exerts on its Newspaper divisions. If the tabloid editors didn’t have a clear template to follow their writers would have uncontainable freedom.  This would almost definitely lead to an increase in outlandish proposals, maybe something as ludicrous as Legalizing Paedophilia.

The other reason is of a more jovial nature. The startling resemblance of Rupert Murdoch to a certain fictional character as well as the occasional reference to the Murdoch “Empire” contribute to an almost comical visualisation of the company.  Oddly enough the comparisons don’t end here; James Murdoch’s automated responses at the recent inquiry were particularly reminiscent of the Cloaked One.

For those unfamiliar with Star Wars, my advice is to watch it for both its religious significance and current political relevance. It might give you a new found appreciation for the Nazi party as well.

Another inquiry related event was that of the “Shaving Cream Delinquent”.  In my opinion what he did was actually quite funny but it wasn’t the correct event to trivialise. It also gave the aforementioned Red Top’s an easy headline, “Johnny’s Lost His Marbles” or something to that effect, which detracted from the main spectacle.  Johnny Marbles’ sweaty semblance and self-proclaimed comedic standing irked me immensely and ruined his chances of cult status.

Anders Behring Breivik also had problems developing a cult following. Not due to poor execution, but more to do with the online censorship that is becoming increasingly frequent. This particular conjuncture has seen the Zuckerberg regime morph into something akin to Stalin’s Culture Ministers.

 In other news the Catholic Church abuse allegations have doubled this year, the excuse provided is that the priests were lonely and unsupported emotionally. Apparently “they need friendship and comfort and someone to have a glass of wine with and watch the football or whatever it is.” Condonation much?

The Legalisation of Paedophila

2nd June 2011

Recently the talk of legalising drugs has become a topic of great thought. The newspapers are spoilt for choice at the direction they could take their title, "Drugs, legal! Are you high" would be one that I probably have seen (but if it hasn't been used, then yes, I did create that myself). Another could be the "Marx-esque" view that drug legalisation would solve crime problems and remove the "rebel" element of purchasing illegal items.

To be honest I don't think drugs will ever become legal and the second argument doesn't take into account the influx of people exposed to the substances. Unless there is some ridiculous expansion in a religion that opposes drug use then the likelihood is that drug addict numbers will increase, which I'm pretty sure is not what the theory intended. Anyway this subject gets thrown about every so often and I don't think it would be as financially beneficial to the Government compared to a legalisation of something else, in particular Paedophilia.

Paedophilia was the taboo subject of the past decade, with shows such as "To Catch a Predator" becoming mainstream, paedophilia is now a source of entertainment. As far as I know Paedo's aren't treated as if they have a mental disease and other than some sort of Libido depressor they are not treatable. The rumoured abuse they endure at prisons is infamous and some would say justified, but they could be utilised in a different manner altogether.  It could potentially be lucrative for Governments as well.

Hypothetically if this was legalised then our Paedo's would walk the streets at ease no longer fearing the intense scrutiny of others. I'm sure a reality TV show to coincide with their legality could also be produced; something to the effect of "Britain’s got Paedo's", although crude I'm sure it would command a primetime slot on ITV. Careers could be resurrected and advertising opportunities would be vast, Gary Glitter comes to mindas one who would thrive due to the new perception of his particularinclination. A pin up boy could be created, the main idol of the Paedo community, for this I would posthumously select Michael Jack... 

The sex trafficking industry is also a possible route, making these public would lead to increased revenue to combat the real crimes. This could also give the endless amounts of orphans in third world countries a practical application, again potentially lucrative as their governments could re-brand the now devoid slave trade. I'm sure the aborting of females in China could also be solved; perhaps an amendment to the one child policy could be made to promote the donation of a child to the sex trafficking industry.

This is of course just a hypothetical but then again so is the legalisation of drugs. If they were to introduce this there is always the highly meritorious and redeeming back up plan:

Paedophila legalised and 'they' are encouraged to become public to their communities, addresses and names registered. Then if it's not working out for the population, government illegalises it back and suddenly the paedo's are in a very tricky situation.

I guess they should save that particular trump card for when we are in a real mess. Maybe when the world is run by drug barons and crack fiends. 

AV: Cancer, Conspiracies, The Daily Mail and Gower

5th May 2011

With the AV referendum taking place today many thousands of recently turned 18 year olds have traipsed along to their local polling station to vote for whether they want the voting system known affectionately as AV (sounds more like an STI than a voting system but it's their choice of acronym not mine).

Unable to vote on the matter as I have not reached their required maturity as yet, I can’t help but think what choice I would have made. Having an unconditional hatred of the Daily Mail, Sun and several other Red Tops has swayed me quite considerably towards "YES", as I would vote just to defy them.

However the ridiculous Information on the Subject (Propaganda) from their officials has me thinking that the complaints over the cost of instigating AV instead of spending it on babies is a bit hypocritical. Especially seeing as the cost of the Info (propaganda) would probably cover the treatment of a fair few of the "imperiled newborns" mentioned in today’s Daily Mail. This further strengthens my contempt towards the "NO" promoters, not to say that the "YES" advocates didn't do it but like the newspapers I am apparently allowed a political bias so fuck the equalling side of my disquisition.

The attempt to use well known sporting figures to appeal to the masses is of particular loathing. The line "In sport you either win or you lose" has been printed so many times recently that the L,O,S and E keys have had to be replaced in over 70% of the Sun's company laptops. Ok that statistic was made up but I wouldn't be surprised if it were true and seeing as the Sun has license to fuck with stats I thought I would repay the favour.

The worst of the teens though almost definitely have to be the "influencers". Those that know little of the actual politics and convince their fellow 18 year olds to follow suit because they know best. For people who either don't know or don't give a fuck just don't vote. For those that influence others you are pretty much compromising the moral factor of voting and we know how that turned out last time. If it wasn't inferred in the previous sentence yes influencers I am accusing you of causing the next Gulf War. 

"AV caused the Holocaust" - Paul Dacre Editor of the Daily Mail

Old People at Cinema's

23rd Feb 2011

Having viewed the ciritically acclaimed "The King's Speech" at the cinema today I decided to write a combative statement regarding old peoples suitability to cinema.

As soon as I walked in to the arena I knew something was wrong, there wasn't a scent of popcorn or hotdogs as I eagerly trundled towards the end of the tunnel where the demographic of the audience is revealed.

Much to my surprise the audience were all over 50 except 2 teens and myself. Seeing as it was Orange wednesday I expected the number of students to be increased, unofrtunately it seemed all of the old people homes in the area had arranged a mass gathering at the cinema to see something they could relate to.

The film was due to begin when the standard advert warning viewers to switch off their phones was aired, at that very moment a distinctive sound occurred. Much the same as if a swarm of locus were approaching you. 200 OAP's wipped out their Nokia brick phones from around 2001 , protected by dated leather covers and attached at the hip for maximum security. The murmurs of how to turn the phone off were ongoing for at least 5 minutes. 

Ironically an advert promoting non-teen film viewings was played at this time, citing teen mobile phones as a detriment to the viewing of adults. The film projectionist must have had a sense of humour.

Anyway the biggest problem I have with OAP's attending the cinema is the bluntness of their wit. A simple humourous exchange takes an OAP at least 2 seconds to register in their head, eventually laughing. This response is cringeworthy and the cynic inside of me decided to restrain my laughter because I didn't want to laugh with the blundering old people.

Lastly some weird old woman was complaining of the swearing in the film stating it unnecessary. To be honest I think her presence at the film was also unnecessary as all she did was complain of her ailing hip.  Maybe she should have tried the beany bags at the front, I hear they are quite comfortable.

In summary Old people stop calling it the pictures, come suitably prepared for swearing and sex (these are not taboo subjects anymore), wash, buy the appropriate food (not prawn sandwiches) and lastly don't complain about your injuries because nobody gives a fuck.

Santa Claus

I've never really thought about Santa Claus with a negative outlook. Seems that a few people may have overlooked some stuff. The guy is fat, bearded, old and has a taste for the theatrical. My main problem is that his profession is based on the behavior of children.

He clambers down each individual chimney for this purpose and his reasoning is equally shady. Is he rewarding the children for performing good deeds to him and others? Or is he enticing the children to perform said deeds on/for him?

Either way it doesn't work out too well for the children, pre deed or post deed are both uncomfortable positions. To confirm this suspicion Santa is now closely related to Christian celebrations and this connection has most likely tarnished his appearance in recent years, especially with the revealing of all the miscreant behaviour of the Catholic clergy.

Well with this revelation Santa has now topped the list for "Child Icons that have alterior motives" overtaking The Pied Piper of Hamlin.

3rd Jan 2011